Siteless

Ah, the weekend. My favourite of the two is Sunday that is if i’m not dying a slow and painful death from a ‘dodgy olive’ the night before – gotta watch those olives. For the past year Sunday has been my ‘Searchday’. Until last Thursday I was a self confessed internet dating-aholic, you may well scoff but searching got addictive. I was on at least three different sites and when i wasn’t on Facebook refreshing every three second’s I was on Dating Direct or Mysinglfriend.com clicking my way through London’s finest bunch of bachelors, i think i may now be suffering from repetitive click syndrome or RCS.

Meeting people is hard, no strike that meeting men is hard so when a new option presents itself in the form of a friend compiling a witty yet funny, edgy but soft, informative but interesting profile about me I jumped at the chance. Editing what my friend had originally written I then hunt down a picture which looks natural, but not too ‘look at my double chins’ natural, it has to be a smiley one, but not where i’m smiling inanely and resemble a monkey on crack, and it has to be casual – it’s a mission – but i complete it with only one swearing fit. Information up, picture loaded commence the dating frenzy 2009!

It’s a slow process. Did you know there is a whole internet dating etiquette? Even in the realms of cyber space you have to play it coy as a girl, which sucks. I figure, i’m sat here in my joggers, hoodie – complete with tea stains down the front, no make up on except for the little patch of toothpaste on an unwanted spot, eating salad cream sandwiches’. Coy Schmoy. I go in for the kill and decide to email the next face i like the look of. Because it’s all about looks, don’t let anyone fool you otherwise. If their eyes are too close together, the picture is in black and white, he’s posing with a puppy, or he simply has a monobrow I’m not going to bother reading his profile. I know... I have the depth of a puddle.

So click after click I sift through the pictures, speed reading the profiles scanning for key words ‘lawyer’ ‘employed’ ‘hates puppy’s.’ Sometimes i email, sometimes i just ‘wink’ at them – the internet version of, erm... well actually winking at them in person. Which is weird, I’m pretty sure no on other than Del boy would actually wink. I would only consider winking at a guy on a very high end dare involving some kind of Champagne.

Whether it’s winking or emailing I’ve met some strange people through these sites, it’s been interesting. But i’ve hung my internet dating hat up for good – i think, I hope. I’ve not found the love of my life, my soul mate who I’m about to marry I’ve simply been talked out of using them. Internet dating should be plan B not Plan A, apparently.

This makes sense, I want to meet a guy in a normal – and by normal i mean sober – scenario where he sees me in my glasses being all natural and steph like and he likes what he sees, not have him click on my face because he liked the picture i very carefully chose to resemble my best tanned smiley side.

So here’s hoping, it’s been a week so far and glass adorned natural steph has got nada. Maybe i can renew my dating profile...